Maria's LiveJournal

It's been so long since I've posted. During these past couple of months, wow, more like half a year to be exact; I've graduated, started my job, learned Spanish (semi-conversational, yay), traveled Europe again sorta of and went through another major transition in life. Funny how the moments that are most important, that should be documented, are often left to memory because when major changes happen, you don't have time to write it all down. I promise to be better about that.

I know I do this every year, gotta continue the LJ tradition. Thanksgiving is about giving thanks. So once again, here I am, counting my blessings. Here we go.

I am soo grateful and blessed for...

My family and friends. I say this time and time and time again and I do mean it. Without the love and support of my family, I am nothing, I have nothing. I have the most loving parents that, in all honesty, deserve so much better than me. I am just an ok daughter and I could definitely step up and do better. Anyways, that's going into the New Year's Resolution entry. I'm just so thankful that I know I'll have whatever love and support I need to take on anything. Same goes for my friends. As we grow older and go our separate ways, the circle gets tighter and smaller, and those of you that have always been sticking around, will always be around, for good reason. Thank you for putting up with me, the good, the bad, the ugly. I love you guys.

Luck and opportunity. They've always been on my side. I know I've had it easy, I usually always get what I want. Yes, I work for things, but we all know, luck and opportunity play a huge part in success and happiness, and I've had plenty of both. I am more than aware of that fact. But I also believe in the power of positive thinking and optimism. As a friend of mine puts it, "optimism, it's the only way to live." Happiness is a state of mind, no one can FORCE you to be happy if you're decidedly stubborn on being unhappy. If you want to be happy, it's easily attainable and I've always believed in the power of the individual, the power of the mind. So, I am grateful that I am surrounded by positive energy, whether that be positive people, or just circumstance. Thank you universe.

Growing up and the change that comes with it. Since I've started working, I've been trying to adjust to a new life. I never realized what we took for granted when we were in school. Surrounded by TONS of people around our age, a diverse group of young, energetic people ready to take on the world. Even amongst that, we were selective. We eventually found our own niches and our own groups. Well, work life is not the same. Suddenly, I'm tossed into an environment where professonalism and maturity is not only expected, but respected. Just being my perky self isn't enough. For a very long time I worried that my personality might be compromised. If I have to talk like this, act like that, what part of myself truly remains? It's even harder building personal relationships, as a consultant, no matter how close you are with your client, the bottom line is, they are your client and are paying a ridiculous amount of money for you to be there. This is still something I am struggling with and learning from. The perfect balance between being myself, the professional version, while still retaining what makes me fun and unique and not like I'm 32. I believe I'll be able to strike that perfect balance. I just need to surround myself with the right people, in this case, I'm really relying on my friends to pull me through, because I know as long as I have them, I won't lose myself.

Heartbreak. Yeah... it's still there. And it still hurts sometimes. But I'm getting there... really, until I can replace him, I can only hope to stop thinking about what could've been. And next time love presents itself, I will do whatever it takes to hold on to it. Lesson learned =)

So I think that's it for now. Night.

-Maria

I´m gonna write about the first three days of my springbreak later. For now, I´m gonna focus on what happened today and write it all down while its still fresh in my mind.

We flew from Rio to Foz do Iguacu today, aka, Iguassu Falls. Got to the hotel around 2pm and decided to make the most of our time here since we only have one FULL day. So, we contacted our hotel person and got our personal driver/car to drive us to the Iguassu National Park on the Brazillian side. The park is huge so people took buses to get around, luckily we had our own driver/car. We decided to walk around the falls for pictures then do a whitewater rafting thing down stream.

It was soo hot and we walked so fast to make sure we would make it back to rafting by 4:30pm since that's when they ´close´. We had noooooo idea what we were getting ourselves into. Adele was the only one with rafting experience and she said it was fun, not intense at all. Alas, its 4:30pm, we paid our 90 reals (45 dollars) and climbed some scary stairs off of a side of a cliff just to make our way down to the water/falls. We weren´t expecting to raft so we were dressed in normal clothing... I was wearing a SKIRT, needless to say we looked like n00bs.



So on the left: scary ass stairs we had to climb down, and on the right, our raft. Upon arriving at the little green hut, we found three rather gorgeous and well built Brazilian boys. One of them proceeded to ask us in three languages... "fala Portuguese?" "hablo espanol?" "do you speak English?" we responded to the third one of course. Immediately, this 'alpha' boy starts to grin in a mischevous matter, snickering and joking with the other two boys in Portuguese. He's certainly got that kind of sleezy greasy Italian charm thing going on, and he was good looking.

I digress. At this point, he asks us if we have whitewater rafted before. We say no, we're total beginners. He laughs, asks us to sign some papers (death papers of course), and points at another sweet looking boy, telling us that he'll be our 'guide' and train us since we're 'beginners'. Then he asks if we wanted to change.... we looked at each other and responded lamely... "uh.... we didn't bring anything."

n00b level just went through the roof at this point. More snickering, followed by "Ok girls... so... sometimes.. it is possible that the raft flips over, and then we'd have to swin for a bit *mischevous smile*."

All of us... "uh.... do we have to swim?" him: *silent, looks around a bit*

You would THINK we would have an idea of what we're getting ourselves into, but we took it all so lightly. We really didn't think we were actually going to FLIP. So.. I tie my dress up, we get down to the raft, do a little bit of training, basic commands like, GO, STOP, HOLD blah blah blah. We were all a lilttle curious though. How come all three of them jumped on? And one of them even put on a wetsuit, did they honestly expect us to go swimming? Questions questions...

Before we almost died, alpha male asked us ... "so do you girls have boyfriends back home?" us.. "nope!" we later realized that he probably asked that because he was thinking "Phew! That means no one's gonna miss you if you died, and no one's gonna come after us!"

We were literally in calm waters rafting for 20 seconds before we got close to the rocks, over this giant current/eddy thingy when they told us... ROW AHEAD, KEEP GOING. But isn't this where we HOLD ON TO OUR LIVES? Apparently not.

The last thing I remember after thinking "OH SHIT" was the sound of water and bubbles and me losing control of my body.

First thought was disbelief, WTF, did we honestly flip over on the FIRST dip?

Second thought was confusion, was I the only one tossed off the raft? Because everything happened so fast that I didn't even see our raft flip so I wasn't sure.

Then fear struck me. I realized that not only did I not have control over my own body because the currents were so strong, but I was being pulled in all different directions due to my lifevest. Then survival instincts kicked in and I just knew that I had to kick and kick and kick, the light from above the water seemed to get closer, then *BUMP*.

I hit some large object and couldn't get to the surface. I looked up and realized, as my heart went cold, that I was trapped under the raft. As this point, I am NOT calm and am struggling like crazy to get somewhere. Suddenly, there's air! YAY! The raft was flipped over and there were air bubbles, I hung on to the sides and took a couple of breaths along with some gulps of water because the current was still very strong. Just as I was contemplating my next step of action, to stay in the air bubble or to swim, I was swept away again. This time, my life jacket pulled me up. I tried to look for people, anyone, that could save me. Dipping in and out of the water again, I saw our boys, they looked intense, but calm, yelling orders and directions, doing everything BUT paying attention to me or even in my direction.

I panic. OMG, they don't even know where I am let alone that I'm about to DIE. Another gulp of water and I try to scream. Nothing came out. I tried my hardest to mutter up whatever strength I had left to scream, NOTHING. Swept under again. Now I'm more desperate and scared than ever. I struggle against the currents to get another shot at rising above the surface when I felt a shadow looming over me. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. *BUMP* Right when I thought I should've hit the surface, I hit something. I look up and well, isn't this swell, it's the raft again. Except, I realized... this time, it's flipped over the way it's supposed to and that means no more AIR BUBBLES. I died a little bit inside at this realization and figured, well, I'm trapped either way. One last gamble. I'm fighting and fighting to get around it, nothing, I had absolutely no control.

All hope was lost and I could feel my body getting warmer, letting go, accepting my fate. In my head, I went through silent goodbyes and apologies. I remember thinking: Dear Dad, you told me not to do anything stupid or dangerous and I did and I'm gonna go, sorry, I love you, bye mom, take care and don't be too heartbroken. Adele and Jess, I hope you two are alive and rescued, if I died and you guys were still alive, I would feel a lot better. Please please please let them be ok. Goodbye world.

Your life LITERALLY flashes by before your eyes. I was seriously ready to go. Then I closed my eyes and stropped struggling. I drifted and drifted. Then suddenly, I felt a strong grip on my life vest. Then I was surrounded by warmth, and finally, air. I could barely register that I was rescued and who my rescuer was. I looked up to see 'alpha male' swimming and dragging me to the raft. He jumped on, then with ONE arm, lifted me into the raft as well. I felt like a limp fish. Looked around and saw Jessica and Adele. Jessica's faced might've resembled my own. Filled with shock and fear still, we just looked at each other while I choked and coughed out water for like 10 minutes. The silence was filled with "Did that just happen?" and "did we just almost die?" so no one said A WORD...

Until our greasy rescuer laughs and goes "AHAH, well wasn't that fun?" Jess looked ready to SLAP someone, I felt the same way. What kills me is NOT KNOWING how in control they were, and if they purposely had us go over that current KNOWING that we would flip and KNOWING it's all under THEIR control but scaring the CRAP out of all of us. Either way, so two of our rescuers smirked, jumped on the rescue boat that was actually cruisin/followin us around just incase and left us with the quieter of the three. We were told that we were going to row a bit downstream and that we could swim if we wanted to. We had the whole river to ourselves and no one else was allowed to swim, so we thought, why not. That swim alone was well worth the near dying experience. The water temperature and flow was PERFECT, and swimming down the river in the middle of the rainforest was SUCH a great feeling. It was so quiet you could hear the birds, trees, and every sound echoed. We tried to make conversation with our shy friend and rescuer through gestures, half-assed italian/spanish and english. All he did was smile and laugh at or with us. We did find out that his name was Jonas though. Here we are, post near dying and post euphoric swimming with Jonas:

As you can imagine, for the rest of the trip/night, all we talked about was this whitewater rafting incident. I later found out that Adele and Jess were under the water for like a second, then found the SIDE of the raft, held on until the boys flipped the raft over, THEN were helped inside. The whole ordeal lasted 5-8 minutes, they said. So the WHOLE time, I was struggling in water and having the raft flipped over ME. Grrrreeaatt. So I really wasn't just panicking and drowning, I really was... drowning. Scary thought.

Anyways, it is obviously NOT March when I started writing this entry. But I thought I should finish it up so I can write my customary THANKSGIVING entry! Yay!

-Maria

CASA culture show was a SUCCESS!! Entire Bovard was booked and I really liked playing my character. I had waaay too much fun being a P.I.M.P. nightclub owner/Madame Rouge, hahaha. Look out for the DVD and Soundtrack coming soon, our intro video was also HILARIOUS, so I will share a link once that gets put online.

My favorite picture in my Madam getup


Springbreak Itinerary:
3/12: Leave LA for Rio
3/16: Rio to Iguassu Falls
3/18: Iguassu Falls to Sao Paulo
3/20: Sao Paulo to Rio
3/21: Rio to LA

YAY! Something to look forward to. 

REMINDER TO SELF:
Stop it. Seriously Maria, when will you learn? MOVE ON already, stop hoping, stop pretending, stop being STUPID and WEAK like a little girl. Let it go. 拿得起，放得下。

/end rant.

-Maria

Because I can't go on pretending like you don't matter and that you don't exist, and I don't have the courage or the willpower to actually tell you this. But I gotta let it all out somehow. If it's meant to be, you will find this and you will understand.

Not a day passes by when I don't think about you. I can't help it, and I hate myself for it because I know you're feeling something else different, what that is, I'm not entirely sure and neither are you. It's so hard for me to put all this distance between us and I honestly thought that it could help. I told myself time and distance would help me move on, and I wanted to believe that eventually, everything will fade. Just when I thought I had thoroughly convinced myself that time worked its magic, and that you are not worth it, things became worse.

Everything reminds me of you and it's taking away what little determination I had to want to move on. But I've always known the truth, I never wanted to move on. I don't even know what I'm holding onto, what I'm hoping for... but that a tiny part of me is foolishly and adamantly clinging to some belief that we're meant to be. Because it all felt so right and that feeling is just so horribly hard to live without. It's stupid, but there's literally nothing I wouldn't do to try to make this work, I have this strong urge to want to be there, to hold you and love you and treat you right. Never have I felt something so powerful and time only makes it more apparent that this is indeed something special, to me at least. 

On the other hand, there's also the dominant, lingering feeling that I was never that special. I know I have always doubted you, but for some reason, you always came through and proved yourself. But it can't be helped. You hurt me when I least expected it, gave me reasons that were unclear, illogical and above all, conflicted with your actions and everything else you say. I still don't understand why til this day. It's no wonder I can't take your words for what they are; neither can I judge you by your actions because they're inconsistent with what you say. I've learned over time and convinced myself to take these things lightly. After all, you seem to say these things almost as quickly as you forget them.

Maybe that also explains why I was never quick to express my feelings. Leading you to believe that I cared about you a lot less than I actually did. Because I wanted my words to carry meaning when I used them, for I don't use these words often. None of that matters anymore though.

I think I might have finally found the resolve to move on. I can't keep living like this. One minute I'm thinking about all the good things, all your qualities, all the good times we've had together, reminiscing how right that felt and longing for it. Next minute, I'm telling myself to cut the crap out, that it was all a bunch of lies, that you never really needed or wanted any of it, never wanted me, I was just convenient. At the right place at the right time, or should I say, at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I'm sick and tired of being ignorant, insistent on seeing only what I want to see, purposely forgetting all the rest, rationalizing to myself that you are still here for me, what we had was real and hoping that somewhere deep down, you still care for me. But it's apparent that I'm of little to no consequence to you. I'm oh-so replaceable.

And even if none of that was true, I don't think I have it in me to keep going. to keep hoping. I can't keep holding on because I can't afford to have my hopes up high again just to be let down. It's also affecting people around me, I can't do to them what you've done to me. So, I'm more telling myself this than telling you, but from now on I will hold you in my memories, and my memories only. Goodbye.

-Maria

Because it's obviously leading nowhere.

But still... that's all I can do.

受尽委屈也不过如此。

-Maria

Every second I'm not busy, every minute that my mind is allowed to roam, I think about traveling and not being here. Which explains why this break has been especially harsh to me. I feel totally unproductive, aside from the books I've read, I don't think I've done anything worthwhile with my time. 

I can't wait for school to start, I need distractions like a heroine addict needs drugs. I wonder when I will ever come to peace with everything.

-Maria

What a year it's been. I've learned and grown so much this past year that I really don't know where to start. Looking back on my past entries, it's kind of sad that I've kept no more than 30 entries on perhaps the most exciting, fulfilling year of my life thus far. However, I am very thankful for the entries that I did keep. They're all very detailed and help me remember everything as if they've just happened yesterday.

It's been a very dramatic year to say the least. Not just with me individually but with world affairs. From the election to Olympics in Beijing, this year seems like a milestone in so many different ways.

For me personally, there were highs and lows and honestly, this has gotta be the more exciting year I've experienced. Maybe it's all the traveling. Maybe it was the boy. But there were definitely more highs than lows. I think my life before this year could best be described as mediocre, very stable, content and level, so there were no big rises and of course no big falls.

Now I know what it's like to fly sooo very high. The higher you get, the harder you fall right? Even then, I think the joy is all worth it. I don't regret anything I've done the past year and if I could do it all over again in the exact same way, I would. Without changing a thing.

I know that life will never be quite the same for me because of this year, and so with the new year, I want to make some resolutions. The next year will also be a transition for me. I will graduate in May, then spend two months in Spain (that's the plan), after that, I will start my job as an associate consultant with Clarkston consulting. My first real job, the first step I take into the world. A new life, a lot of unknowns. 

I know I will be able to face anything after my experiences this year. So, even if life ahead might seem scary, rigid, I refuse to be just a cog in the machine. I want to be able to truly live my life. And I'd want to think that having a job doesn't limit that, but rather, adds to it.

I want to be able to face everyday with the same open-mindedness, spontaneity, joy and passion that surrounded me when I was abroad. I want to achieve my goal and get places with the same certainty I had when I recruited this semester. I want to remain positive, instead of sulking, trudging or simply dreaming, I know that I can do anything I put my heart and mind into. It's served me well so far, and I know as long as I believe, things will all fall into place.

I want to be a better daughter. This includes being more patient, spending more time with my family, doing more simple things for my parents. It's always easier said than done, but I will try my best.

I want to stay fit. Getting back to the same o lazy US lifestyle has been challenging. I really liked the way I felt when I was in Europe, I felt more energized because I was eating healthier and led a better lifestyle. I'm not letting myself go when I start working. Oh no... still gotta stay flllyyyy =)

I want to stay humble. I need to remember always, that I am very lucky and very blessed in so many ways. Sometimes, you need to put things in perspective just to see how much you have compared to others. Humility, compassion and grace, if only we all had a little bit more of each, life would be more delightful =)

I want to continue pursuing my hobbies, never giving up dreams, even if they seem crazy. I want to paint, I want to design, I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to cook, I want to design and play video games, I want to play more tennis. Etc....

I want to make those around me happy. But also remember to make myself happy once in awhile too =P

Last, but not least, I want next year to top this one. I want to experience more. In fact, I know I will and I know it'll be an even better year.

Love,
-Maria

期待让人越来越疲惫
谁和我一样等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会寂寞的滋味

一个人撑伞
一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨
怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念

雨要多大
天要多黑
才能够有你的体贴

其实没有我你分不出哪些差别
结局还能多明显
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉


有些歌，在某些时候，还会勾起回忆。真的能忘了吗？

-Maria

I am feeling so much better on so many different levels.

I can't believe I spent so long moping around acting as if there was nothing to look forward to. On the outside, everything seemed fine, but honestly, deep down, I was so effing broken it was ridiculous.

Maybe all it took was a couple months' time for me to see things clearly. Everything seem to be in perspective now... what felt like pain is now no longer significant. What I worried about and sought after, I no longer care. Because I have bigger and better things to look forward to now.

I can honestly say that, WOW... just what the hell was I thinking? Hahaha, it's so awesome how some things just don't work out. In the beginning you might think the world is collapsing because things didn't turn out the way you planned, but then you learn, when one possibility dies, a million others open. And in the end, when you KNOW what was meant to be was yours was there, just waiting for you, no matter how much you try to push it away. You smile.

Count your blessings Maria. I just signed the best damn offer I could've asked for. Now plans for Salamanca can finally be put in motion because I can, for once, finance myself and justify all these trips. 

-Associate Consultant, Maria

P.S. I know that was lame but I had to. Muahaha.

There are so many things I am thankful for this year. I have learned and grown so much from experiences that seem like they were just 'meant' to be. I'm so fortunate to have been at the right places, at the right times with the right people. So here goes, just counting my blessings:

I am sooo thankful for:

My beloved family and friends
Health
A roof over my head and not having to starve
The economy (because we've had it too easy and we need to be taught a lesson)
My job offer(s)
Obama's win and America's need for change
My European adventures and all the great people I've had the chance to cross paths with
Growing up, the pain, the tears, the confusion, the epiphanies, the joy and everything else that comes with it
A broken heart (because I didn't think it was possible, alas, I'm human and have feelings after all =)
Fate, because some things are meant to be and some things are not

It's been a great year =)

-Maria

Remember this entry from Oct. 5th?

"So many questions. One thing I know for sure though is, despite the volatile economy, I'm getting an offer by the end of it all. Bottom line. It's what I'm aiming for and it's what I'm gonna get. "

Haha, I sounded so sure of myself. Quite a bit of resolve in there huh? Even if I wasn't sure how it'll all pan out or the likelihood of it, I gave it my all and believed in it like it's nobody's business.

Well, guess what? The first step to getting what you want is believing in it. I know it sounds so lame and even more cliche. But, if there's one person to tell you about the impossible and how NOTHING is impossible, I feel a little bit more qualified to tell you now.

Ms. Blizzard-Lost-Confused-Designer-IT-Gamer-Chick-With-Practically-No-Business-Experience just got herself an offer with a consulting firm. 2 months ago, if you asked me what consulting was, I would've been able to tell you diddly poo. Really, writing what you want in exact words and believing in it with borderline idiotic resolve works.

Oh and of course, the correct course of action wouldn't hurt either.

I am so grateful, blessed and lucky to have such an amazing offer at such a crazy time. Still waiting to hear back from a couple more firms, I'm hoping to sign with one before Christmas.

Recruiting is OVER! Find a job: Check.

-Maria

It's gonna be half a year soon since I've left Rotterdam. I can't say that I've made much progress getting over it. I don't think about it as much anymore I suppose, but when I do, the memories all flow back like it all just happened yesterday. How did half a year pass by so fast?

At this exact time last year, I was freaking out about leaving LA. I wasn't sure exactly what I would miss about LA, but wasn't sure what to expect either. I didn't exactly look forward to it as anything else but an opportunity to get away from routine. If I knew those would've been the best 6 months of my life thus far, I would've done everything I could to stay out there longer.

Now, looking back at my older entries, and the pictures, it's really a bittersweet feeling. Kinda like when you hear a song you haven't heard in ages, or when you smell that familiar scent that triggers a sea of memories. I was really scared that I would forget, but I'm not so worried about that anymore. I might forget the little things, like, the scent of the candle I had next to my bed on the nightstand, or which poster I had pinned up on my bulletin board.

But the feelings remain. The experiences became a part of me and I am changed because of it. I will never forget that pure euphoria when we cycled through Lisse, where the sun bathed us, the wind carried us, the tulip fields drowned us, and our spirits lifted us. And my choice transportation tool? A survivor of world war II (Guido's grandmother's bike). Or when we sat on the curbside of the road in a quaint Dutch neighborhood, toasty and worry-free, watching the flower parade go by while lapping at our popsicles.

Or the smile of that cute Dutch boy (with the most adorable accent) who sold me the best freaking cheese every Tuesdays and Saturdays at the market while I "sampled" said cheese even though I knew exactly what I was getting.

Oh how I miss Nederlands. I'm smiling so big as I'm writing this. Even though it sucks having to readjust to my comfort zone again, it's all sooo worth it. Time well spent, my friends. Time well spent.











-Maria

我今天又哭了。

這一年掉的眼淚比我一生加起來的還要多。 以前的眼淚，好像很容易控制， 我的毅力好比開關， 說停就停。可是最近毫無措施，哭得很多，很短，很痛。

當時在那裏都沒有哭過，從來沒有， 連分手時都沒有眨過眼， 可是時間越久，心越軟， 爲什麽?  還記得為他哭得第一次，絕的很荒唐，自己怎麽會這麽沒出息。 難道女孩是注定要流淚嗎？所以給了自己一個承諾，以後再也不要為他流淚了。

可是有了第二次，第三次。不僅承諾落空，眼淚洶湧時，每一次比每一次難以逃脫，難以收拾，難以接受。 每哭一次，心碎一次。

我今天又心碎了。

可是不會在繼續這樣，時間雖然讓我痛過，也讓我看的更清楚。 從今以後，他不再是值得我心疼的那個人。以前我聼著他說的話，雖然會懷疑，可是還是選擇相信他。

爲什麽會那麽盲目的信任他呢？儅我旁邊的人，包括他最好的朋友們，都警告我， 我爲什麽還會選擇信任他？

不會了。

夠了。

就到此結束吧。 我累了，心冷了。真的，夠了。

-旭

"Why do I have to fly
over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.

I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
to be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend."

So I've been having really weird dreams lately and this song describes them perfectly.

Maybe I'm just tired and lonely =P but at least the song is good. Check it out, Keane - A Bad Dream.

-Maria

Senior year fall semester means one thing to all business majors: recruiting. And it really sucks.

With the economy looking the way it is, competition is even more intense. I swear, I've been to a bazhillion info-sessions, networked my FACE off and smiled til I couldn't smile anymore. Not that I don't enjoy meeting new people and learning more about the consulting industry, but making small talk is really not the way I like to connect. In a sense, it's almost like speed dating, 15 minutes to try to impress a prospective employer, distinguish yourself and hand them your resume hoping that they'll remember you after the night and then proceed to write thank you letters to all the people you've just met. Leaving you with a stack of name cards and slim chance that you'll be invited to an interview.

I'm especially stressing out and at a disadvantage because I'm trying to jump into a field I didn't know much about until a month ago. It was through an epiphany that I suddenly realized, you know what? I want to do consulting. 

Why the change of mind all of a sudden? Well, after being abroad, I reassessed what I wanted to do with my life. I could go back into the video games industry and get an entry level job that invovled a lot of crunch time, OT and minimal pay. Not that I mind the hours, but really, do I want to be stuck in a cubicle all day trying to figure out ways to crash a game? For those of you who know me, as much as a gamer/nerd I am, I'm also much more of a people person.

Being abroad really made me realize that I need to be out in the world meeting new people, learning new things and growing from those experiences. I'm also easily sick and tired of routine. I thrive when dealt with changing challenges and ideas. I need to be kept on my toes to be excited and interested. With consulting, you're dealing with diverse projects and clients EVERYWHERE. I really don't mind the travel.

All in all, after speaking with a few people, I feel that consulting is for me. After I gain some professional experience in consulting, who knows? Maybe I can jump back into the video games industry and work in production.

This stage of my life is very stressful, but at the same time, so very exciting, because there are so many unknowns. Who knows where I'll end up after one more semester at USC. What kind of lifestyle will I lead? Where will I be? So many questions. One thing I know for sure though is, despite the volatile economy, I'm getting an offer by the end of it all. Bottom line. It's what I'm aiming for and it's what I'm gonna get.

All professional matters aside, being busy is good. It's keeping my mind off of other things. Maybe it's not a wise move since I'm just avoiding things, but at least I'm not thinking about them. It'll all get better with time. Ah... growing up =) so much of it this year. Absolutely transformational, and all from a few months spent in another country. I'm so grateful. The future is bright =)

-Maria

After reading a friend's xanga, I'm inspired to write just a spur of the moment, open, frank, non-summarizing and hopefully short journal entry.

A lot of these kind of entries have become private, which is not a bad thing, but sometimes, I take strange comfort in the idea of a complete stranger reading my most personal thoughts and feelings. It's just another way for me to vent I guess, feels better getting it out of my system. A sense of closure perhaps?

So let me just say this out loud to the universe for the sake of saying it, and so that I can finally be honest with myself.

I'm heartbroken. So, very, heartbroken. Maybe for the first time ever.

It hurts so much that a simple thought is enough to bring me close to tears. The worst part of it all is knowing that I am mainly responsible for the way I feel now. I made a decision with my mind, a decision rational enough for me to know is going to be better in the long run, and the right decision at that. But one that I felt the consequences of immediately. I never believed in people that had to be 'cruel to be kind' in terms of relationships, I always thought to myself, if you love someone enough, would you really stand to hurt them/yourself by letting them go, or pushing them away?

I guess you never know until you're in the same situation. I wouldn't say I was in love, but I care about him a great deal. On top of that, I like him a lot, more than I have anyone else. I know I mean a lot to him too, in what way, I'm not sure, and he probably doesn't even know himself, but what I do know, is the feeling we have when we're together. The need to want to skip oceans just to be next to each other. And the helpless acceptance of reality, when we realize, it's never going to amount to anything but that, just a feeling, a fleeting feeling, the most fragile and strong bond at the same time. 

And yet this feeling, something I so rarely encounter, made me want to take chances, made me want to risk it all, made me shed my self imposed obligations and showed me a side of me I never even knew existed. I should be grateful, I know I will be, but right now, I'm still healing.

For the longest time, I pretended like it didn't even matter. I thought I could play it off as I have so many times before. Out of sight, out of mind, if I treat him like he doesn't matter, and treat us like casual friends, everything would be fine. But distance and time seemed to have no effect at all. He still flooded my mind and everything seemed to remind me of something.

It was bittersweet when we talked. Every conversation brought up something familiar, something we had, something we longed for, but didn't have anymore. It was nice, but also felt like picking at my old wounds. I knew I couldn't take it much longer, and so I made a choice. At times when I think about it, I still wonder if it was the right thing to do, torn between being hopeful and bitterly pessimistic. Only time will tell, I know, right now, it just all sucks. I'm not any happier, if anything, I'm a lot less happy, that's why it's the hardest thing, but probably also the right thing to do.

隨緣吧。

-Maria

Spent two weeks in LA catching up with my lovelies and now it's time to travel again! There are still some people I haven't see yet, but hey, if you missed me for half a year, you could do with one more month right? =P

But, if you're traveling too, here's my itinerary for the upcoming month before school starts again, would be cool to meet up in China!

7/14: Fly from LA into Beijing
7/15: Beijing to Lanzhou
7/15 - 7/16: Lanzhou to Xi An to visit the Godparents
7/16 - 7/31: Hanging in Lanzhou with the grandparents, and going to TIBET with the MOTHER.
7/31: Lanzhou to Changsha (joining Adele and her brother and David)
8/2: 1:05 pm Changsha to Shanghai
8/5: 2:10 pm Shanghai to Guilin
8/8: 10:20 am Guilin to Xi An
8/11: 11:25 am Xi An to Lanzhou
8/13: Lanzhou to Beijing
8/13 - 8/20: Beijing and the OLYPMICS!!!

Almost done packing. Just gotta catch up with Catherine, have dinner with the parents then its Business Class on Koreanair all the way to Seoul. w00t. See you on the flipside!

-Maria

June 30th, hopped on a plane at 10 in the morning and got back to Los Angeles 4pm local time same day.

Apparently when I was leaving Schiphol Amsterdam, I was crying so hard that the customs guy didn't even bother looking at my passport, instead asking me if I was ok and reassuring me that I'll be back in the Netherlands again. Honestly, I wasn't even crying THAT hard. I was simply teary-eyed. But if I left alone, I probably wouldn't have cried. On the other hand, I'm glad I didn't leave alone, that would've been quite miserable and loserly of me.

The one hour flight from Amsterdam to London was the worst. I thought I had calmed down when I got on the plane, but every time I thought about Rotterdam or anything related, I'd start crying again. Since when did I become such a wuss? Sending off everyone and saying all those goodbyes certainly didn't help either. I remember the night Anna left, she had texted me when she left at 4 in the morning, and I couldn't go back to sleep after I read her text. I tossed and turned for an hour, then texted her back because I suddenly realized, WOW, this person that I spent almost everyday with is gone and it'll be awhile before I get to see her again.

Then there was Kari... Josie... Icarus... and Hans last because he was the last person I had texted/called before I got on the plane. Did I cry when my friends left? No. Did I cry when everyone else cried? No. But little Maria haaaadddd to breakdown in front of people she really shouldn't have shown any emotion to and wow, I bet the lady who sat next to me on the way to London must've been like, damn, that's one depressing girl.

On my flight from London to LA, I sat next to a college guy my age who was also studying abroad and going home to LA. It was nice talking to someone who knew exactly what I was going through, he told me in his exact words "wow, must be tough for you, I was only there for 5 weeks and you were there for 6 months?! I'll just multiply what I'm feeling by 6 and yeah... wow... must be really tough."

Not gonna lie. It sucked, and it still sucks.

Nothing changed here. I was pretty much right on the money when I said those 6 months are gonna feel like a dream. It's been a week since I've been back and Rotterdam already feels like a distant dream. My only comforts are pictures, older entries I've written and keeping in touch with the people I've shared those memories with. Other than that, it really feels like I've never left.

Catching up with friends back home keeps me distracted enough and according to those that have also been on exchange, it doesn't get any easier. I mean, I feel a lot better than when I first got home. I remember when I was taking a shower my first night back, I bawled like a baby under the running water and woke up with swollen eyes the next day. And while I was unpacking, I got so tired that I fell asleep for 20 minutes, and in that short 20 minutes, I dreamed that I was back in Rotterdam again. When I woke up and found myself in my room, I was so disappointed. I honestly thought I was back at the international house, in my crappy but cozy little apartment.

Yeah, it's pretty pathetic, but at least I'm not going through that anymore. At least I'm accepting the fact that I'm back in LA and life is never quite the same again. I'm also not the same person as I was 6 months ago. I've taken away so much from Europe and left just as much of myself there.

I think with time... I'll be content again. I'll be able to find the right balance between appreciating home and treating my time in Rotterdam as just an experience rather than letting it dominate and shape me as much as it does now. I know that's the whole purpose of studying abroad, it's a life changing experience, no kidding, but this longing is unhealthy. It's bad for me and I know it. Dwelling too much on the past is never a good thing. Learning from it is far more practical. What I am now and what I will do as a result of my experience is what I should really focus on... hehe... this is when I should insert my favorite quote recently, from Kungfu Panda:

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, and that's why we call it Present."

I'm working on it =) I'm picking up the pieces and slowly, but surely, I'll have it all back again, right here, with me. I know it.

-Maria

Its June 17th, and I can't help but keep a mental countdown of my last days here in Rotterdam. It's been a crazy ride to say the least, and right now I'm at a loss for words or feelings.

Studying usually keeps my mind off of things and I'm pretty good at distracting myself most of the time, but this is kind of a sticky situation I'm in right now. Never have I felt so many conflicting emotions at once, it's driving me nuts.

I'm on a high from Europe, from traveling, from meeting new people, living life with a different attitude and perspective. I have a good group of friends here, I have a routine, a lifestyle here. Because the clock is ticking, I'm making the most out of everyday and STILL, even with barely two weeks left, I'm having a blast and optimistic as ever. Heck, even studying is enjoyable right now.

But it's all so temporary. So fleeting. To think that I will go home and look back on this and think to myself... "Did that actually really happen?"

That scares me the most.

That I will forget, or regret something I haven't done, and you all know how much I hate regretting.

Yet at the same time, I'm just aching to see some familiar faces. To spend time with my family, play with my dog, cry in familiar arms of my friends. To share all this with everyone back home.

It's all part of growing up, blah blah blah, I know, everything will be ok in the end. Things will work themselves out, and all will be good. But right now, I just want to remember this moment. This mixed jumbo of highs and lows, of longing for different things, of remembering the pain of growing up and the harshness of reality.

Pretty soon, it'll be time to wake up =) so right now, let me savor the moment. Back to studying, and no more thinking =)

-Maria

It's been a long time since I've written here and seems like all my public entries are all very superficial in terms of how I spend my days here in Rotterdam. Rest assured that I am supposed to be studying here too, God forbid, but believe it or not, I've actually studied very hard the past two weeks.

The end of March meant exams. Exams as in 100% of your grade do-or-die exams. Seeing how I have to transfer enough credits back home or stay at USC for another semester, failing is absolutely not an option for me. Although the verdict isn't out yet and I can't say for sure, I feel like I've studied enough for these exams to at least pass. In fact, I don't think I've ever studied soooo much in my life. Maybe I felt guilty for not going to class and traveling/partying all the time, but I seriously spent a WEEK studying. My schedule went something like this: get up at 10 in the morning, shower, get some food, go to library. 2:30 pm, get lunch, start studying again. 6:30pm, study some more til 9 or 10. The day before exams, 2am in the morning.

... Yeah. Some of you would be familiar with this back at home at USC or whatever, but I don't ever recall having to study so much for any type of exam =P but this seriously scared the CRAP out of me. Consider this... at home, exams are never 100% of your grade, on top of that, most things are on a curve so you'd REALLY REALLY have to try to FAIL.

Over here, my Foundations of Business Law exam for example, had 50 true false questions. One would think, ok so not so bad, true or false, statistics is on your side. But you'd have to get 39/50 just to PASS. What the CRAP is THAT?! 39/50 is like a B-/C+ and that's nowhere near FAILING percentage back home. Needless to say, when I saw that, I studied my little butt off.

So yeah, studying wasn't fun, but you suck it up, deal with it and move on. Handled that shit, and now I'm a free bird again.

EDIT: I started writing this entry like 2 weeks ago, I realize its mid April right now, I got my results. Passed all my classes!

Moving on to better things... let's see, last entry was about Carneval Cologne. Wow... it's been quite some time. What did I do after that... ok, in chronological order, went to Copenhagen (Denmark), Malmo (Swedan), Budapest (Hungary), Vienna (Austria), Prague (Czech Republic) and London (UK).

Gonna be at Madrid this weekend for my Birthday. It'll be nice to see some SUNLIGHT dammit, stupid stupid Rotterdam weather. I've become so adapted to the crappy weather here that I don't know what to pack/how to dress for 75 degree weather!!! What happened to me?!! I'm from CALIFORNIA DAMMIT, and I left all my warm clothes back home... that means SHOPPING in madrid! muahahha.

EDIT: Once again, it's mid April, got back from Madrid and also took the parents around Europe. Yay, even more cities to talk about =)

OK. Now some little details about each of these cities:

Copenhagen
Fortunately, Christina is on exchange here. I went to visit her with Allison and we had a blast. Poor Allison had a lot of weird stuff happen to her so she probably didn't have that much fun, which I feel bad for, but Copenhagen is a beautiful city. There are 7-elevens everywhere, a luxury we don't have here in Rotterdam. The Scandinavian feel is very different, in a good way, so I also liked the architecture. We went to some touristy spots, like the Playhouse and the Opera House (one of the world's most expensive), we also did a lot of cafe/coffee shop runs, which we also don't have in Rotterdam. We have "coffeehouses" but not coffee, coffee houses. Also walked down that port with a lot of colorful houses and boats, very quaint, the only thing I could wish for is better weather, but that's something I wish for everywhere I go, and apparently blue skies and sun is just too much to ask for in Europe. Things aren't too expensive here, comparable to London and Rotterdam, but decent. Their currency is crowns or kroners, with little hearts and holes in them, Allison and I have decided to make kroner necklaces with our leftover coins. Their guards are also very british with their tall furry hats, little booths and the marching. We also had decent THAI food. The only regret I have is not being able to visit Tivoli, which wasn't open when we were there, but should be open now. Definitely thinking of visiting again.

The night life... Scandinavian boys are all pretty good looking, but also very reserved. When we went clubbing, the guys would never approach you unless you've made eye contact with them too and smile as an open 'invitation'. Otherwise, they would just hover around you and kind of stalk you... kind of weird, but I guess that's just the way they are. So, note to self and future travelers, don't smile and make eye contact with random Scandinavian boys that you're not interested in, because they WILL come on very strong once you give them the green light.

Malmo
Didn't spend enough time in this town since we trained from Copenhagen and had one day there, but things are slightly cheaper over here AND they have a softdrink called Mer, which is my nickname. We went to some famous churches and old town squares, also tried to visit a chocolate museum which was closed =( but even though it's so close to Denmark, things are drastically different. Makes me want to visit Stockholm. Tried the Swedish Fish and brought a shit ton of candy back with me, AND found a random PHO restaurant in a sketchier part of town. The PHO wasn't too authentic but it was still good. Mmm, makes me miss food back home.

So for Copenhagen and Malmo pictures, click here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2215738&l=d5b8f&id=3420002

Budapest
Had no expectations for this place whatsoever, but the city was absolutely gorgeous and amazing. Budapest is divided into two sides, the Buda and the Pest side. The Pest side had all the nice bath houses with natural warm mineral water, and the Buda side had all the nice landmarks and palaces. What really made Budapest such a wonderful city to me was the perfect mixture of Eastern/Western Europe architecture and the general feel that created. I felt the people were well off, lots of nice cars, big streets and very grandiose, majestic buildings everywhere you turn. The best thing was... everything was cheap. Yeah, I rolled baller style in Budapest. I think the exchange rate was 270 FTs (Budapest currency) to 1 dollar. So when I first withdrew money from the ATM, with NO idea of the conversion rate, I played it safe and withdrew 5000 FTs.  That's like... 20 dollars, which is... pathetic. Then I realized they had 10,000 bills and thought it was the coolest thing. Now I have stacks of cash in 500 to 10,000... ain't no thang *dusts off shoulder*.

But yeah, our hostel was great, people were friendly and helpful, I also met a lot of cool people that were also traveling, among the most common travelers, Canadians and Australians by FAR. On top of that, had a nice relaxing day with the girls at the bathhouse, we got pedicures and massages. OH and the FOOD!! SooOOoo good. We went to a top notch restaurant, 45 minutes wait at the bar, ordered about 2 drinks each, MIXED drinks mind you (usually very expensive in Europe), 3 appetizers, each had main courses and dessert, came out to be around 27 DOLLARS each. That's DIRT cheap and for some of the best food I've had in my life.

The night life was ok, the guys were friendly and decent looking, nothing too spectacular. Oh and memorable event, while touring Parliament, we were hit with a crazy storm. We then realized that was Hurricane Emma, sweeping through Europe. There were even some  fatalities with locals and tourists in several countries. 2 deaths in Budapest I think. We survived that shit, go us! I have a video footage to prove it!

Budapest pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2219234&l=3a61e&id=3420002
More Budapest pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2219235&l=0c3bb&id=3420002

Vienna
Love the coffee here and I don't even like coffee, the Melange is something you HAVE to try when you're in Vienna. That and any sort of Mozart chocolate/cakes. They also have really good schnitzel. Contrary to popular belief, the schnitzel is not a wiener or a sausage. It's actually more like a patty, deep fried and very delicious. There's also this really good lemonade that they serve you, warm, with honey and ginger. I don't like ginger but that was quite new and refreshing. OK.. moving on from all the good food...

Concerts... classical concerts with ballet and opera, also a must see. Although we went to a very touristy one, we heard all the famous ones from Mozart and Strauss, so no complaints, plus it was a decent price. We also had a local show us around and took a magical horse carriage ride under the sun around the city.

Aside from that, what made my Vienna experience immensely interesting was a chance encounter. A girlfriend and I decided to go out one night when the other girls were tired sleeping. So, armed with a map and some circled dots, we set out to find this place called Chelsea's, which was supposed to be 10 min walk from our hostel.

So we walked ... and walked.. and walked, and decided that we probably mispositioned ourselves starting out, so we stopped to look at the map some more. Right as we stop to open the map, we hear a stranger's voice ask us something in presumably German. When we look up at him and give him a puzzled look, he speaks in almost perfect English, "May I be of help?"

"YES!" we both replied excitedly with a hint of desperation. "We want to go to Chelsea's". "Oh... well you are going the opposite direction." Great. "Well, know anywhere we can get some good drinks and good music?" "Well, I just came out of a club myself and was thinking of heading over to the Chelsea direction, if you don't mind, we're the same way."

Ok, so a little walk shouldn't hurt, there's two of us and one of him, we should be ok. So we're walking and we're checking out this guy... he's about 6'2, very lanky/skinny in a good way, he's got a top hat on, above shoulder length ish blonde hair, blue eyes, facial hair and eyeliner comparable to that of Johnny Depp's, a well structured face, pinstriped skinny pants, pointing sharp shoes, a nice scarf and a black blazer.

My first impression. OMG, this guy looks like HOWL from Howl's Moving Castle! He even dresses like him! So we start talking and it turns out he's an university art student majoring in digital design, hoping to get into the game's industry, no wonder! He's also seen the movie, Howl's Movie Castle lol, no wonder. Very funky fashion sense, knowledgeable and not the least bit sketchy. He also used to be a magician and his name is Merlin. What an interesting figure. We spend the night barhopping and painting the town with Merlin, he takes us around until 6am in the morning and it wasn't until 7 that we get into our hostel. Definitely a good experience =)

For Vienna and Merlin, here they are: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2219656&l=c380f&id=3420002

Prague
Lots and lots and lots of expectations for Prague. Too bad when we got there the weather was shitty, it was still pretty, in a mysterious, macabre way. Crazy evil looking Eastern European castles. Prague is THE place to go for the cheapest beers, like 25cents beers. The place, however, isn't as cheap as everyone tells you. It's so packed with tourism now nothing's really cheap anymore, and yeah, too much tourism, makes it not as fun.

Also, I fought off a pick pocketer at Prague. The bus we have to take to town from our hostel is apparently FILLED with pick pockets. 3-4 seemingly drunk men surrounded me when I got on and created a very 'crowdy' feel by shoving me around when the bus was turning. One of them tried to talk to my friend, the other one tried to talk to me, while the guy left tried to conceal his arm reaching into my purse with his scarf. I saw that and CAUGHT him in the act by grabbing him by the wrist, and holding it up. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" They laugh and mumble something and gets off the next stop. Everything in my purse, intact. Maria: 1, pick pocketers: 0. w00t.

What I found prettier than Prague was a little town outside of Prague called Kutna Hora. There, lies the all bones or all saint's church. A church made of 40,000 human skeletons! The Insanity! The little town was very quiet and quaint, not so saturated with tourists, so I really liked it. Had some good food at Prague too, good Italian food. Met a really gorgeous Canadian boy there. Chilled with him their last night at the hostel, fun times =) OH and also had some really good ABSINTHE, also bought myself a bottle at the airport while flying back to Rotterdam. Muahhaa.

Here for Prague and Kutna Hora pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2219716&l=17f4d&id=3420002
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2219722&l=6043a&id=3420002

London
I went to London to visit a friend. A friend who I've known for 10 years now but unfortunately, only had about a year's time with her. She's from China and came to LA for a year but then went back to China and now she's doing her master's at LSE. I'm glad we kept in touch all these years since I met her when I was in 7th grade and she left before 8th grade even started.

So London... it's indeed the Queen's city. Gorgeous buildings/statutes everywhere, but also very modern and classy. The people are very conservatively dressed, which by default makes them more classy, I like that. Things are expensive, but I don't really mind so much because I really like the city. We took it easy and just ate lots of ice cream, hung around lots of cafes, had fish and chips, lots of shopping and had the chance to watch WICKED, which was absolutely amazing! Went to one of the nicest clubs in Leicester Square called Tiger Tiger... hm... British men can't dance? lol, there were some cute ones, but eh, all too shy, kinda reminds me of the Danes.

Second time I went to London, I went with my family. Took them to all the typical touristy areas and watched Lion King. That was not as good as I expected given all the hype. Don't get me wrong, it was still a quality show, but I felt like the cast could be better. I wasn't impressed by young Simba or some of the main figures, but overall, it was a feast for the eyes.

For London pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2221899&l=aaa6d&id=3420002

Ok... I think this is all I can manage to write now, I've been working on this entry piece by piece for over two weeks now, I'll write about Madrid, Paris, Barcelona and Rome later. Ciao for now!

-Maria